We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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