At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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