if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize