i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize
