There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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