Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
