a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
