i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
