i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
