What a fucking waste of an outfit
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
We have started to decorate penises.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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