Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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