I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
