I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Randomize
