So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
