you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
