I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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