This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
