No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
