Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Randomize
