Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
