1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
