Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Two words: nipple clamps
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