I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Ladies don't puke and tell
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
