i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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