I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
