I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
there's paper in my vomit.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
