They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I will pee on everything he values.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
