my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
