i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
