Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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