If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
