i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I think i peed on brittanys purse
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
