I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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