I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
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