Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
