i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
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