my phone needs a breathalizer
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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