can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I need a burrito and a hug.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
