I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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