quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Randomize
