I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Randomize