I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Randomize