Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
