My entire life is one complicated drinking game
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
