Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
