When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
