rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
