I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
We smell like vodka and hangover
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