hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
