Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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