By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
