just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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