Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
