So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
