i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
