He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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